There's More To Life

I’ve just spent a couple of days staying with some boys I met at Soul Survivor festival in the summer. They live in Birmingham, which isn’t too far from where I live. I went with a couple of my friends and it was really nice to just spend time with them because we all get on so well.

My mum didn’t want me to go because she thought it was ‘inappropriate’ for a few girls to go and stay with a few boys but it’s not like that. We are all Christians and are living by the same morals so there’s no danger of orgies or even random kissing. They are totally sound and lovely.

I get on really well with ‘T’ who we were actually staying with and we ‘like’ each other I think if you get what I mean. He is so respectful towards me and doesn’t try to rush things, doesn’t mind making the 1st move but doesn’t pressure anything. He doesn’t ignore his friends but doesn’t ignore me either. He is one of the nicest guys I have ever met…and he’s gorgeous!! J

We were watching a film with loads of others and he just held my hand and then we just lay and chatted on the sofa with his arms round me. He has the most beautiful big brown eyes that I could look into forever.

Mum will have a problem with it though…for no reason. She can’t ever be happy for me. Gggrrrrr never mind I suppose.

It won’t happen. Maybe that’s a defeatist’s attitude but nice things like that never seem to, but I guess its just wait and see.

I’m holiday for a week, going to see my brother and sister in law later today and staying until tomorrow so have to get my work done…linguistics!! Transciribing arguments! How exciting!!

Martha.

Life’s really quite rubbish at the moment and to be honest I just couldn’t tell you why.

Nothings really going wrong or anything and there’s nothing I can’t cope with and life is normal but my eyes seemed to have misted over and my perception of the world is blurry, I see through tired, frustrated and lonely eyes. I keep crying to try and wash the mist away but sometimes rain brings more mist and doesn’t help the driving conditions. I don’t seem to be able to drive very well at the moment, I keep swerving all over the place, changing my mind about things every few hours, coping then not coping. I pull down country roads for quiet crying, hidden from the world, to scared to let anyone in. There are people there for me who love me dearly but they have their lives to be getting on with and it’s best for everyone else to think that I’m just getting on with mine.

I’ve got so much work to do and its going to be some late nights, I’m not worried about that though. There are bigger things to worry about than a stupid drama essay. Bigger things like my friend, ‘T’, this last year she’s gone to hell and back, been sexually abused and is a totally broken person and she is in such an awful place right now. Another friend, ‘S’, has found herself liking T’s ex boyfriend but T has realised maybe she’s not as over him as she thought and the feelings are rising up again and she doesn’t want to stop S from going out with him but she’s really hurt about it all. She’s tried to kill herself in the last few weeks, this maybe the last straw.

I know I’ve just got to look outside of my own little world but it’s so hard when everything I see is better than me, is condemning me. I sound like a whining little child so I’ll shut up now. I feel better for writing it down but I know I should talk to someone. I’m sure I will do.

Martha.

Rachel introduced me to someone as, this is martha my best friend, today!! I knew i kind of am but didn't know if she thought the same! yey! never had a best friend like her b4! yey some more!!

done quite a lot of my ethics project!! woopwoop!!

Hey everyone,

Life’s generally quite good at the moment…really really tired and fed up with one of my classes but apart from that life’s kushti!

So going back to my annoying class…it’s sociology!! I don’t want to be rude about my teachers cos they’re nice people but I find the way they teach sooooooo dull and I just go out from the lessons feeling like I know less than when I went in…and we’re only 4wks into term!!!! It doesn’t bode well! I’m going to go and see my tutor, Dawn, and see if I could do a fastrack course in drama and do the whole a level in 1 yr! My tutors really nice…so friendly and genuine in trying to help you out.

I’ve written my personal statement now but can only be 4000 characters so Dawn’s editing it for me at the moment so will post it when that’s done!

After I’ve written this I’m going to start my ethics project…I’ve gotta cover environmental ethics, sex and relationships, war peace and justice! So any views on this or knowledge you have would be fab! [I am loving the smiley faces today!!]

Made some new friends recently which is really cool cos loads of mine have now gone to uni!! I knew them b4 but not really and now we hang out together which is cool. I met them at this party and I guess in a lot of ways they’re different to me but we get on fine.

Anyway I should probably be doing my ethics work…L!! Not a particularly interesting blog today but never mind…its as much for me as it is for you!!

Big fat blessings, Martha

I just wrote a whole long blog then lost it! That is so annoying!

Just a short one then...
a bit about me...

I'm 17 and live with my mum and my brother. I live in England and i'm doing my a levels, spending long hours in coffee shops and laughing hysterical laughter with my friends.

i love to just chill and give people the time of day but i'm quite good at being a little tornado leaving a traill of destruction behind me but i'm sure we'll get onto that later! i'm quite into randomly hacking my hair off at the moment - usually n afro, at the moment more of a fluffy mop type of thing on my head!

I don't know what i want to do when i'm older but right now i love writing - poems, stories, scripts... and playing piano and talking to people and acting so i guess somehwere in all of that i'll probably end up but just waiting to see. Meant to be applying to uni but can't face it right now...i feel to young to make descisions that effect the rest of my life but i guess i was doing that since i became my own person and they were made for me before that.

Am i a product of my decision or of life's decision?

Martha.

Golden days to me are those ideas of what life should be like but just isn't, those romantic moments in films where time stops at the command of lovers, and teenage girls throw back their heads overcome with laughter knowing that they are delighted in and are beautiful and accepted; and when father and son are in complete harmony and understanding with each other.

I used to long for days like these, i desparately wanted to be a golden girl, radiant with beauty and the more i thought and longed for my golden days the more i realised they're less of fantasy than you think.

Wait and watch for your golden days, because they're all around us, happening all the time, it's when you look through the sceptical eyes of this world that you only see ugliness and disappointment. Sure, life will never be exactly what you want it to be but we have a promise of something better, where life is without flaw, and we get glimpses of it right now, today.

I wrote a poem called golden days, looking back at my life, i realised with complete serenity that even the times when pain was so great i thought it would consume me, it was a beautiful cacophony of love and longing; and when things got real messy with hindsight i could see that i was like a toddler wallowing in mud and everything was okay cos someone would come and pick me up, wash me off and set me on my way again with huge love and compassion; i could go on (and i will if you want me to), but heres the poem

Golden Days
I just saw my life flash before my eyes,
I saw loneliness and pain deeper than i thought i'd known,
and happiness so perfectly settled that it felt like home
My tears reflected the moments when my loved were ripped away from the very heart of me,
I lay back when my sight was filled with the beauty of the sacred in my soul,
Crippling tension then sighing relief when I realised I was free,
...remembering my lessons and wisdom that i'd ever been told,
I smiled fondly at the thought of my friends -
the on'es that said they'd be there till the very end,
I laughed uot loud realiseing how wierd my family actually were,
comfortably thinking, "You're the ones i prefer"
And I don't know where i go from here,
but there's nothing to fear,
and i'll be okay,
'casue I know I'll have very many more of these golden days.